Relationships

So I meant to write this a long time ago, and now things have progressed more, so it's way past time to write! lol.

Praise God. It finally happened. He answered my prayer. The guy I had been talking to and I had our final talk. We both knew we were making idols of one another. I put him on the throne of my life, in the center of my life, where God belongs. So we were miserable, but just went to one another to console ourselves. Long story short, I knew God was jealous for me and tugging at my heart, but the guy and I were still hanging out and I got angry and snappy with him when we did. We finally decided to have our talk on December 1. We called it off. He even said he did not want to give us any hope for something in the future because we wouldn't let go of one another if he did. That day I felt a huge burden lifted off of me and got to have some great fellowship with a girl friend of mine later that day. It was awesome.

However, this has been a hard road to travel. My heart still wouldn't let go. I still told myself, "Of course we'll get back together in a few years. We want to marry each other and seem to be made for one another." And it's especially hard after hearing stories of Christian couples having to split up, but later getting back together. So I couldn't stop thinking about him. I missed him and loved him more than ever before. I dreamed about him every night for a whole week. I prayed over and over, "Lord, take these longings and thoughts and desires and dreams about him away from me." It was painful to go through, especially since he was strong enough to not talk to me at all. Not a peep from him at all. I am super proud of him for finally standing up and putting actions to words. It's almost as if our roles switched. He seemed to not be able to let go and I wanted to separate, and now I'm missing him like crazy and he has been faithful to stay away. Anyway, the dreams had stopped, but the desire to marry him had not lessoned. Well, just when I thought there might be some light over the hill to getting over him, he texted me for the first time on January 14 asking to get together to talk about our friendship moving forward. I freaked out, I got hot all over, I didn't know what to expect. We set a date to talk. I was afraid I was going to get a slap on the hand for all the times I tried to talk to him. I was afraid I would start to cry in front of him for one reason or another. I was afraid it was going to hurt worse after than if we had never talked. I was petrified.
Well...

It was one of the hardest talks I've ever had to have. It was difficult, but it was things I needed to hear. He asked me how I think we got to where we are now. He laid out our sin, and he pointed out the fact that he knew I was not over him (since I had been messaging him now and then). I said we got to where we are because we were not putting Christ first in our lives. He said that is ultimately what we do whenever we sin. He said that dating is like sanctification- sanctification is an ongoing process and does not have a stopping point; when you date the purpose is to get married, but we were twisting that and trying to semi-date and have a stopping point. He said there are two options for the opposite sex: brother and sister in Christ, and one body. We were somewhere between the two. Once you start moving toward one body, that path is not meant to stop. Our bodies long to be one, so tempting that is not wise. He also said he didn't want me to believe 2 lies which he had been believing: 1. No one else has gone through what I have, no one else is doing this sin, so no one can understand. 2. I know what I'm doing, I don't need advice because I'm strong enough to resist the temptation. He said he wants me to share our struggle and sin with whoever and we should not hide from it. He said anything we're not willing to bring into the light, we deem unworthy of the Gospel. I loved that point, it's very true. If we're ashamed to tell people something, it's because we're not believing in the redemption of the cross over our sin. Now, I had never believed those lies, I knew those things to be true which is all the more why I hated what we were doing, but I didn't tell him I didn't struggle with those. And the other point he made which stuck out to me was that he didn't want me to make him the end goal. He didn't want me to say "I'll grow in Christ so I can get over Derek." That hit me. That whole time I was subconsciously thinking, "growing in Christ and in a few years we'll get married." He had been my ultimate goal, not Christ.
So the whole time I was quiet, mainly looking down and just nodding. When he left, I just started crying. However, that talk was very much needed. I realized I wasn't over him, and I needed to make Christ my goal not him. After that my mentor helped me break the spiritual bond I realized I had to him, and I was free. After that him and I both separately grew a lot.